im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
