Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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