Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
