Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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