Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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