mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
