he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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