he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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