the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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