I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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