Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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