He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
