Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
