Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
