soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
