The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
