yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
