I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize