I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
