3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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