Where is the hickey?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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