Me too!
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
