i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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