did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
ugly people sure do ruin things
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
