She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Is Oprah even human
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
