Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
