i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
