You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
