I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
