I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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