We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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