I'm jealous of your bromance
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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