did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
