I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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