Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
