He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
