It's like God shit irony all over that family
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I cut my penus on the lid.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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