Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
