Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
