when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
