not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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