I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
