thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
