96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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