for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Randomize
