After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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