I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
