WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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