Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
