I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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