The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
