At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
