i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
