hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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