apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
