Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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