remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize