i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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