Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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