If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
