legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
