Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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