i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
