She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
