put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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