And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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