He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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