I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
