ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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