wat bout pragnant strippers??
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i've created a new STD.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
