Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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